I’m softer than you think

Text from the installation Thick, Stretchy, Sticky Space at IMT Gallery

i download you onto my harddrive
one broken pixel at a time your image glitches into something that resembles something familiar
my cracked screen pieces together the image of you as you were when we were younger, and knew more
the week after our birthday
the week we fell in love
on a roof
on the edge
of space we fell
together

we loved each other
until we didn’t

men imitate heartbeat on 16 bit screens

sequins pour down my legs
you walk away
tobacco crumbs scream ‘i love you’ from the bottom of my handbag

[i need you to update me
i need a reboot
i need to empty my trash
my RAM is full
my room’s a mess
my heart is broken]

i’m softer than you think

bodies fold themselves into other bodies
it’s interpersonal origami
simulations glitch on 12GB RAM PCs

(we are projected glitter balls; ultimate simulacrum
we are the bioluminescent bodies of those you try to ignore
we will never stop shouting)

the whirring of the PC fan keeps me awake at night
projections of rendered images slip in and out of focus
high contrast on soft skin

the images show vivid depictions of endless violence and rage
unimaginable monstrosities spill from LED screens 
illuminating the future while numbing our internal hardware

(please promise me i’ll survive
that this feeling will go away)

helplessly hopeless, you carry on as normal
your silence as violent as bombs 

(we are trespasser we flow like water, ignorant to the walls you erect
we are soup, endless concoctions of assembled things
hybrids
 we slosh around in hungry bellies)

i typed out half my immune system into a chat box and called it a love letter

[thank you 
that was great
a real treat]

it’s tough to be fascinating

synthetic flesh falls into synthetic flesh falls into synthetic skin, synthetic bodies, synthetic emotions

3D scanned bodies drape themselves awkwardly across the User Interface
their UV unwrapped skins are stitched seamlessly together 
a few rogue polygons escape the meshes of these virtual bodies
these bodies which are learning how to dance 
at first the inelasticity of their frames is a hindrance
but slowly;

surely

their artificial masses pick up the rhythm

(we are porous
our fluid membranes throb with the energies of those who pass through them, uncensored
we live on land borrowed from our children
 there is no hierarchy here)

your scratch disk is full
please delete some memories
make room for me
in your thoughts/bed/harddrive

your breath is an earthquake in my ear
a tsunami in my veins

cheese-string rituals become the daily norm
pre-packaged processed lives are stocked up on shelves
rainbows gyrate in hypnotised minds
the blue wheel of death spins stoically at the ends of beds
waiting for the fall

the underbelly growls
hungry for more
it spits its children onto the streets
broken glass bottles in hand

(i fell asleep against the window of the corner shop
i was waiting for you
when they came for me)

i found you glitching in the garden
swimming in dizzy nostalgia
two-left trainers tied up at your feet
moss creeping over your bruising skin
artificial sunlight dappling your face

(C'est la fin du monde
quand tu pars
when you hang up the phone)

i stumbled upon a hibernating 3D model of a dead world
she was curled up in plastic leaves 
she was hiding from herself
she was hiding from herself and from him and from them and from life and from everything that comes with it

closed circuit constellations illuminate the skies these nights

there’s nothing new under the sun, but we still feel our own firsts with blazing intensity
locked eyes
a brushed hand
the pull of a trigger

who will stop me now

the holes are empty
and I am tired
I want you to fill me up but you yourself are leaking
oozing echoes
they spill from your exhausted body
I see it in real time
24 frames per second
a tidal wave of the past
a tsunami of forgotten memory
computer crash
control alt delete

im sorry that you carry this burden
you deserve so much more~
i want to make it easier for you 
but i myself am stuck in a box
a box of my own creation
it is made of wires that threaten to fuse at any moment 
they crackle at my presence
they sense my fear
they smell my desperation

i upload my pain into the cloud
where it can be free among the raindrops
data drips down onto this electric earth
crackling with every splash
sparking our synapses
we lose our minds in oceans of information

i don’t know how to be myself anymore
but
i also feel i am more myself than ever before
the heaviness of it all makes it impossible to process
when all lives are hopelessly entangled yet forever more individualistic
we live in concrete mazes
stuck in silicon cells

freaky yet gentle, we bend ourselves together 
rupturing the boundaries put in place others
falling through infinity we forge our own path, one of togetherness and becoming
it is not easy, it is not kind
but
in the heat of that short depressive rage, miracles spill from tired and leaky bodies